gardan

Recently as I walked into my backyard garden to change the sprinklers’ timer, I was extremely saddened to see so many of the plants were dying.The dry soil, withering branches, and overgrown weeds were indicating our garden’s struggle for survival and a negligent behavior on my part.As the feelings of regret and guilt filled up my body, a sense of shock made me realize how I had not even visited the backyard over a period of several weeks. I hadn’t noticed that the plants were not watered due to an electrical malfunction of the sprinklers. Now everything was turning yellow and I had failed to let the garden enjoy the arrival of spring by ignoring their needs for growth.

In embarrassment, as I hosed the plants down for revival, I reviewed the causes of such over-sight. Working many hours, traveling a few weekends, the busy schedules of other family members, my heath issues,and an array of other big or small excuses came to my mind, but none of them were justifiable. It felt like I had fallen into a deep sleep for a while and had just woken up to see the garden was dying. Well, at that time all I could do was to secure the plants and hopefully bring them back to life. As I continued with gardening a disturbing question popped in to my head: If I could so easily miss caring for the healthy growth of my garden, then how could I be certain that I properly care for my own healthy growth?

We all get busy with life. The financial hardships, family responsibilities, educational pursuits, our leisure seeking attempts, physical struggles, and different emotionally challenging obstacles are always around us. They often take us away from focusing on our immediate needs for growth and eventually face us with stress, sadness, anxiety, depression, and physical illness. If we are not attended for, just like the garden that turns yellow and withers, we will lose our strength and vitality. Eventually with continuous over-sights and negligence our immune system gets shot down; in the same fashion that the sprinklers in my garden did.

We are indeed like a garden. The seeds of being are planted by our parents and we naturally grow into different developmental stages of life. Of course, a garden needs a gardener and without proper gardening it may not survive. That’s why the role of parenting is very important in the early stages of development. The nurturing and care taking required for the growth of a child is essential for our survival and without it a healthy adulthood is not easily possible. Just like my garden that needed my attention to catch up with the season and to grow blossoms in the spring time, a child needs attention to grow self-esteem and be able to live with an assertive attitude. As trees get older and run deeper roots into the ground, their need for gardeners decrease. An old tree adapts to its environment and survives on very little support. In fact, anchoring in a stable position and tapping into the natural resources allows a tree to be self-reliant.  As adults, by assuming the responsibilities of providing security and support, we become our own self-relying garden and gardeners.

Many go through life with the fears and worries of not being able to support themselves. Feeling not good-enough, inadequate, helpless, or hopeless does not allow them to grow with enough confidence or being able to self-sooth. Like a young tree, they feel weak and fearful of challenges. They shake hard with the blow of every wind and are frightened to be uprooted at any moment. Their approach to life is to lay low and act passively. Some others act in defiance and hostility. They become users and abusers who take over and dry up others’ energies, just like the garden weeds. Although they take control, they never grow strong enough to become solidly grounded like a tree; they act aggressively, yet on the inside they are hollow.

Assertiveness is what needs to be applied once we are our own care-takers and in pursuit of healthy growth. Assertiveness is clearly distinguishable from both aggression and passivity by noticing the ways that one communicates and sets personal boundaries. Through fearful inaction or avoiding confrontation, passive communicators allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate their choices. They do not defend their own personal boundaries and are typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not accept or respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. Their aggression gains them an imagined sense of security that is often an attempt to mask their own fears of rejection or annihilation.

Passive and aggressive communication styles or a mixture of them represent those who show agreement and timidity while their words or expressions indicate hostility (passive-aggressive). The lack of effective coping mechanisms for achieving self-reliance gets on the way of a healthy growth and results in the collapse of physical, emotional, and spiritual immunity. On the other hand people who communicate assertively can overcome fear of speaking their minds. They also try to influence others by encouragement and persuasions. Assertive people respect the personal boundaries of others and do not interfere without asking for permission. They perform as able gardeners who can support themselves and help others through feeling secured and without needing to be offensive or defensive.

To become efficient care-takers for self and others we need to develop certain understandings and learn new techniques. Assertiveness Training (“AT”) has been a well-known approach for preventing psychological disorders and most addictive/obsessive inclinations. It was first introduced by Andrew Salter (1961) and popularized by the works of Joseph Wolpe, as he believed a person could not be both assertive and anxious at the same time. He suggested being assertive inhibits anxiety and allows for healthy communication. The goals of an assertiveness training include:

• Increasing awareness of our personal rights
• Differentiating between assertiveness, aggression, and passivity
• Understanding and applying assertive communication techniques
• Noticing anxiety provoking behaviors and clarifying intentions

As spring arrives on March 19th, the gardens wear the happy colors of their plants and the fragrances of their rejuvenation fill up the air. On this date as I celebrate the Persian New Year, I also promise myself to pay more attention to my garden. I assertively encourage and invite you to celebrate your joyful garden and remember that as the gardeners of your garden, you are responsible to assist and protect your assertion into your environment. Let’s breathe some fresh air, feel free, be relaxed, and grow with confidence.

GATEWAY TO GROWTH: Join Dr. Sadigh on April 2nd, or April 10th from 7:00 to 9:00 and learn how an eight week workshop may help you with more assertiveness and allow you to set reasonable boundaries.